The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
You Might Also Like
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My patience has stretch marks.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now