If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.