If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.