I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.