[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
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Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Simple
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.