Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I am never leaving this website
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
This is me 🤣🤣
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”