Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
damn he’s good
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming