I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head