[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You Might Also Like
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Meow
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question