“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.