Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Our lord and savoury.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”