Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Good news
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning