If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.