Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
You Might Also Like
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!