Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Two types of dogs.
One of the best
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*