Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
#milo
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?