“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again