I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]