Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …