JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.