If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life