You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.