The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”