I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I wanna be friends with this person
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
BRAKING NEWS!!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.