If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
It’s a gift
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.