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Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I love you…
…r dog.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.