“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
🤣😂🤣
The internet is magic sometimes.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Breaking news:
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair