[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.