Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
we’re dead?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.