Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Cat is stressing him out.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here