Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour