Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.