Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Many hands make light work
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.