The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.