He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?