what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls