[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Jail
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Holy moly
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.