How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.