THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Animal poetry
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Ovenable?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
He’s cranky this morning
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.