me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.