Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad