Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic