My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Not today. 😅
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.