if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Breaking news:
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”