If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both