Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Bed should get ready for ME
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.