Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life