[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Wait a minute
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips