[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.