Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION